March 2, 2013

A Jorney Started

"I'm Alive"
My dragging life has been flipped upside down recently. All that I thought I knew about life, God, everything really, is being questioned, reevaluated and blown into a million pieces. This blog is a glimpse into the incredible journey I am now on with God. It all started last summer when my husband and I were watching the TV show Ancient Aliens (I know, I know...haha!) and I began having incredibly vivid reoccurring dreams. 

At the time I was so depressed and consumed with anxiety that I couldn't even go to the grocery store. A battle I was hopelessly fighting for years. The panic attacks were out of control.  No amount of medication or therapy helped. I did a pretty good job of hiding my turmoil, but inside was a constant torture of feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and shame. Every so often I would feel "ok" but something was missing. I couldn't be happy no matter what. I found something negative in everything and everyone. I also had my back turned to God that whole time, blaming Him for what I went through. I had believed in God and went to church my whole life until 2004, when my life was ripped apart.

While watching Ancient Aliens, I became fascinated with the fact that  mythology, the Bible and other religious texts all have similarities especially when it comes to "the end times." I felt a really strong pull to start reading the Book of Revelations from the Bible and compare it to other ancient texts and see where they line up. Every time we watched the show, I got all excited and felt the need to read Revelations. 

One evening in September while my husband was working and my child in bed, I decided to jump in and start reading. I didn't have a Bible handy, but the internet is an amazing thing! So there I was in my ploka-dot jammies, reading the Book of Revelations with no mindset about God, just wanting to read about the impending doom of the world. Something started to happen. The more I read, the more I felt (with every fiber of my being) that some of the things had already come to pass, or are happening right now. I felt something inside of me stirring. My whole body felt like a live wire. The more I continued to read, the more intense the feeling became. Suddenly, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I began bawling my eyes out as it finally hit me: God is real. How could I deny Him, when prophesies from 2,000 years ago are unfolding right before my eyes? 

That night something significant changed. For the first time in my life I felt truly alive. Something heavy lifted. Memories of miracles and God's presence that I have witnessed earlier in life came flooding back to me. Precious memories that had been stolen from me back in 2004. That night in September was the start of intense healing; physically, emotionally and spiritually.