September 24, 2013

Learning to Fly


Sweet Reunion
It's been a few months since my last post. Many life changing events have occurred in that short period of time. Events that remind me of how far I've actually come since that night in my polka dot jammies a year ago when I realized God is real. Events that had they happened last year would have drown me completely, but instead brought me closer to God and more dependent on God than ever before. Events that made me question, "Where is God in all of this?"-To which is being answered a little more each day if I choose to keep my eyes open. For the first time in my life as the world is caving in on me, I am not defeated. I may be stunned. I may need a moment to catch my breath. I may stare blankly ahead as the force of blow after blow tries to knock me down, but this time is different. This time I have a new vantage point. Unknown to me prior, I have been prepared for this storm. The sea is raging and the waves threaten to consume me but I've been learning to surf. I'm not that good at it yet but it's enough to keep me above water this time. 
Throughout this difficult season, particularly recently I have been seeing many butterflies. When I see a butterfly, the only way I can explain it is it feels like my soul is being hugged. Butterflies have been quite special to me since I was a young girl. I used to play out in a field by myself and spend time hanging out with butterflies. I would study them closely and marvel at the intricate pattern on their wings and the graceful way they floated about. I used to "pretend" they were special friends sent to me from God. Now I know that they were- and still are. As I am being stretched in this stormy season I can once again use the transformation of a butterfly as a metaphor for the painful growth. 
You've been safely wrapped up and contained in the armor built to shield you from the coming changes. Surrounded by darkness you went through a transformation that felt like you were dying. In a sense, you did. Your whole being liquified and only the essential cells remained. It was agonizing to say the least. You grew an entirely new self. A metamorphosis. As the changes seemed to have slowed down- even stopped- you feel relief as you try to adjust to the new normal, although a bit cramped. None the less you feel safe and relieved from the pain of change.

As you welcome the end of the painful transition and begin to grow accustomed to the closed in feeling of safety, your armor splits wide open. Exposed. Vulnerable. Weak. Bewildered. The shield that has kept you safe through the transformation is coming apart. You awkwardly make your way out of the damaged shelter. The legs you grew are shaking and there is this heavy feeling on your back you don't know what to do with. There's this blinding light and you can't see anything. You don't understand why after all of the painful changes, after all of your hard work and transformation, the safety of your shield just splits open and falls away.

Pain. You're in pain again. Hurting while being blinded. You begin to question the point of all of this. The transformation you just endured was agonizing enough, now to be subjected to more torture? "What kind of sick joke is this life anyways?", you begin to ponder. You wish you could just crawl back inside your tiny shield and be uncomfortably safe.

Something floating by catches the corner of your eye and lands next you you. Such a beautiful and enchanting creature. The brilliant colors and delicate veins decorate the elegant wings that adorn it's body. You have a split second of a thought that you long to be like this mesmerizing being- to effortlessly possess such grace and beauty- but your mind quickly turns back to the pain.

This. This is the moment before you realize all of the agony, everything that has been a struggle in your life has been the transformation to give you wings. Before you realize that every twinge, every tear, every rip, every disintegrated part of your being was all necessary to the construction of the magnificent pair of wings that you have no idea are flowing out of the new creature you have become. This is the moment you have to push through the disappointment and the hurt to realize just what you have become through all of it.
How beautiful the moment will be when you realize you have wings. How terrifying and exciting it will be when you learn how to fly.  
Lavender Lemonade

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